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Nov. 12th, 2014

Bad Sex In Fiction Awards 2014 Nominees

If I ever write anything like this, just shoot me. (Sticking WHAT in the sun? He WALKED into her? And what the HELL is an "ecstatic burning harmedness?")

Comments

( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
random_x13
Nov. 13th, 2014 04:58 am (UTC)
oh lord.......... I'm just sitting here grudgingly reading through every one of these like


*shudder*

<//3
puss_nd_boots
Nov. 13th, 2014 01:28 pm (UTC)
They're pretty bloody awful, aren't they? Someone in the comments had a good point - these are "literary" writers piling on the similes and metaphors with a shovel so that what they're writing comes out sounding like "art" and not porn. Except it collapses under the weight of all those ruffles and flourishes and comes out sounding like the very worst of fanfiction instead.
ldybastet
Nov. 13th, 2014 08:22 am (UTC)
Yikes. Okay, so #1 isn't *that* bad. I've read much worse... But I do applaud the dog in #3 for interrupting that stuff. Equator? Circumnavigation? The fuck?

And yeah, why would anyone want to stick their cock into the sun???? I think maybe #5 has heard Inside Beast? For some reason I find it sexier (or actually sexy instead of whacky) when Ruki sings about his beast... LOL But also, that passage is like a laundry list. Mostly very short sentences of he did this, she did this, etc... I find that boring.

#6 is maybe not quite fair, since it was written in Japanese in original, so it might be the translation.

#7... yeah, he steps into her? *IT* hits her? Um, Ms Writer? It's called an orgasm. I'm pretty sure it's okay to use that word.

And #9 is just so so so bad! Honestly, if your partner keeps repeating that it hurts, then you are doing it wrong and you should stop! :( And I want to vote for this one to "win" this contest, but I think #10 is so much worse for plain reasons of writing. *headdesk*

And here I was frustrated last night that the scene I was writing was cliched and boring and repetitive. LOL At least not this bad! :D
puss_nd_boots
Nov. 13th, 2014 01:38 pm (UTC)
I thought of Inside Beast as soon as I read #5, too. I think Ruki did the metaphor WAY better. I'm hoping #6 is just a bad translation, because it's enough to put one off the entire idea of threesomes if it isn't (and I've got one planned for my next fic!) And #9 is just cringeworthy - that's noncon, cut and dried.

It really puts your own stuff into perspective, doesn't it? I got done reading all that and though, "Hey, I look pretty good in comparison!"
misumaru
Nov. 13th, 2014 10:15 am (UTC)
I feel like #2 was written while wanking over an anatomy book...

That poor penguin though, OMG! D:
puss_nd_boots
Nov. 13th, 2014 01:42 pm (UTC)
Oh, God, yes, the penguin! That was just unnecessary. Forget the horrible sex that preceded it, I was feeling sorry for the poor penguin! (Though that was probably the dog's way of saying "Y'all are getting on my nerves with this equator crap . . .")
hamhamheaven
Nov. 13th, 2014 03:37 pm (UTC)
My first thought was "dear god why so much hetero?!" Then I remembered that mainstream "literature" (I'm using that term very loosely) doesn't do single-gender. My next thought was "did people get paid for writing this shit, because if so, I know dozens of fanfic writers who could outdo this any time."

And #10...what a long way to say "dude has a premature ejaculation problem." *shakes head*
puss_nd_boots
Nov. 13th, 2014 05:06 pm (UTC)
Yep, exactly, it's mainstream literature, so it's going to reflect the mainstream (read: heteronormative) perspective. Kind of glad they didn't have any yaoi written like this, though, because that could put me off yaoi for life! And, oh, yes, these writers got paid. In some cases, they've got literary prizes, because they are apparently quite adept at writing things that aren't sex. Kind of sad, isn't it?
hamhamheaven
Nov. 13th, 2014 05:23 pm (UTC)
No kidding. These people need to stay FAR away from yaoi! In fact, they need to stay far away from sex scenes all together. Why didn't the editors take a red pencil to all of that cringe-worthy stuff? I wonder...
leifang666
Nov. 13th, 2014 09:41 pm (UTC)
"tipped with ruby nipples" Then she needs to go see a doctor! (rather like the scene in one of the Twilight books where Edward kisses Bella and her heart LITERALLY stops beating. She was hooked up to one of those hospital machines at the time. Why did no alarm go off?)

"it slams her hard and fast, as life once had."

(I'm taking notes here. No more of my rubbish smut!)

and some nice rape?

""It hurts, it hurts." I did not stop until it stopped hurting, until I heard pleasure articulated from her."
puss_nd_boots
Nov. 14th, 2014 01:48 pm (UTC)
LOL, the ruby nipples thing is hilarious. "Um, do you know that a sensitive part of your body has crystalized into a rock?" You'd think that would be a BIT painful.

The rapey one is especially cringeworthy. If your partner complains of pain, you freaking STOP. (Well, okay, unless it's BDSM - and in that case, if your partner uses their safeword, you freaking stop).

Part of me almost wants to launch some sort of writing challenge where fanficcers take these monstrosities and rewrite them into actual hot sex scenes. (#9 would definitely include the words "Are you all right? Do you want to go on? We can do something else . . . we don't have to do this.")
leifang666
Nov. 14th, 2014 03:12 pm (UTC)
Well Ruby at least can be a colour.

Anyway. Assign me one! This looks like a fun challenge to do later tonight.
puss_nd_boots
Nov. 14th, 2014 09:04 pm (UTC)
Okay! Let's see - how about 4? The one with lava and the sun? Actually, I'm going to put the challenge in another post on my journal so that anyone else who wants to jump in can. (It goes without saying that you can use whatever characters you want, since the originals are all heteronormative).
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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